Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Luxury cars, luxurious homes and things. The simple concept of luxury, being able to afford something of splendorous grandeur. But these items are not the only things that I would attach to the word.

Because some people have the luxury of feeling a certain way. They get to feel, get to express that feeling, get to own that feeling completely and others cannot. I am trapped in such a situation. I cannot afford to be angry, I don't have the currency, the worth to feel anything but regret and be upset. And I can be hated, despised, others can be angry at me and they can afford to do it as much as they like.

Time and time again they can pay the price with ease and I the poor man must settle to watch them display their wealth with a wanting eye. I'd say I'm almost jealous of the feelings they can afford. If only I had such wealth, such ability. If only I was worth enough to feel these things.

If only it would change.

No number of conversations, no number of days spent, no amounts of support or understanding afford me anything. Because apparently they mean nothing. Apparently its taken for granted and taken as read that anyone who felt any way would do these things. And my word is taken not at face value but at no value. As if it would change at any moment when in reality I have been the constant one, I have been the one not to falter in how I feel. But that is also given no heed, because no matter how many days I stay constant, no matter how long I stay and be everything I can, no amount of support, no thanks given for the words of comfort they are dollar store trinkets being handed to someone who could get them anywhere from anyone. I have been made common and redundant.

And you'd think after such I'd be allowed just a little anger, a little annoyance, just a smidgen of outrage. But it is not to be.

I could live with that though, those emotions are not pleasant ones to feel. Not that their replacements of feeling worthless and sad are any better. I could live with it if it was at least appreciated that the most genuine feelings I have on my deepest levels are needs for atonement. My deepest desires are to make right what I have wronged and to make happy, but even if I were the most conniving, deceitful, hurtful sort of being who cared nothing for these things, I would certainly be treated just the same.

That's why I hold back tears now, that's why I shake, why my stomach ties itself into complex shapes. Because I, the worthless poor man, even though he tries to just be a good man, would be in the same boat were I a loathsome evil thing.

So enjoy your luxury, while my worth spirals down, and I continue to sport a frown. Oh what I'd pay for a smile.


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